Now What

03JUN2010:
Its one of those nights when the boredom is almost too much to bear. I’m 31 years old feeling like I’m in the prime of my life and I sit in this dirty, gray box and watch another day of my life waste away. I’m watching a movie I’ve already seen. Maybe this time I’ll notice something different. I don’t. I hear some guys chatting outside so I wander out to listen but it’s the same conversation I’ve been a part of at least 37 times this deployment. My eyes start to burn and I realize that the breeze has changed and now the smoke from the burn pit, which smells like smoldering tire rubber, is running directly over us. It starts to make my stomach sick and that itch in the back of my throat starts to act up again. “Fuck this” I say and wander back in my CHU. I realize that it’s Thursday and that means today was a rest day from working out. This means I haven’t showered yet so now I have something to do. I grab my towel, a bottle of 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, body-wash and walk the 200 feet to the shower trailer. While I walk I’m hoping that there is room on the side of the trailer that has a bench to put my shit on. My lucky day, there is. I now have three choices of showers to choose from; each with their own pros and cons of dirt, hair, scum and other delights. I pick the lesser of the evils and commence showering. Getting out of the shower I look in the mirror and think that my face might be looking older. I look tired and have dark circles around my eyes. My body looks better than my face as I have been really focused on diet and exercise. But then I start to wonder why I am working out so hard. I’m not a professional athlete. Can I maintain this intensity at home? Will I want to? I figure it gives me something positive to focus on out here and at least I’m not in any joint pain with my new regimen. I do enjoy the workouts and camaraderie that goes along with it and realize I might be down tonight because I didn’t do anything active today. I get back to my CHU and look at the clock. It’s been 20 minutes since I stopped my movie. Now what. I hear gunfire in the back ground. Some guys are heading off the FOB and performing a weapons check. Two nights ago I heard “Incoming!” followed by a boom just as I was falling asleep. It startled me as it was either larger or closer than usual. It’s not comforting to hear this as you go to bed but it’s not scary either. It happens so quickly and you can tell there is so much force that if it’s got your name on it there is nothing you could do. So I don’t worry. What I have to do now though is sit here and wait for someone to knock on the door and get accountability for my roommate and I. This will take 30 minutes to an hour. It took about 40 minutes that night and then I laid there unable to fall back asleep. Guess that explains the bags under my eyes tonight.
Iraq is a disgusting, shit hole and it sickens me to think that kids die over here. I’m sure it’s the same in Afghanistan. What would be the point if someone got lucky and one of these rockets killed one of our guys? What a fucking waste and what a fucking joke of a war. When I hear people thank me or our troops for what we do, for sacrificing ourselves for their freedom it almost makes me sick. If only that were true. We owe it to these boys to put their lives at risk for a noble cause but this war is nothing of the sort. If we packed up and left here in the morning our freedom would be in no greater jeopardy and neither would the Iraqis’. This place will go to shit whenever we leave and anyone involved over here knows it.
I get my crap together for the morning and notice that there is quite a bit of dirt on the floor. There is also something rattling in the electrical piping along the inside of the CHU but I swear to God every time I jump up to see what it is, the rattling stops. I decide I’m hungry but have nothing in my CHU to eat. I put some socks and shoes on but then realize I’m out of authorized PT shirts and I sure as shit am not putting my ACU’s and boots back on so I suck it up and lie back down on the bed. God forbid I wear a tan undershirt with my approved PT shorts. Well, now what? Should I watch the end of my already seen movie? Should I start a new TV series? I do have “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” sitting over there just waiting for me to delve in. I think some more about what I accomplished on the 3rd of June 2010. Not much. I plug in my internet cable but my roommate is logged on right now. We take turns buying one month of access and share the passwords each month. Usually this is not a huge deal as the connection is too slow to carry on a good conversation for more than a few minutes on Skype and really what else could I possible search for online. I dont need 24 hour internet access. Not only is KBR getting filthy rich over hear so is the internet provider, Sniper Hill, who charges every Soldier here at least $75 per month so that they can communicate back home and have something to do at night. It just seems wrong to me that our government allows this company to gouge the pockets of its Service Members while they are over here. What a fucking racket. Would it be that hard to run a free internet service?
But whatever, I’ll sleep well tonight and wake up in a better mood. Breakfast will be good and hot and at least I have a meaningful job. My friends will make me laugh and I will wake up a day closer to coming home. I’m not sure if Iraq is what I expected but most things in life are rarely what you expect them to be. Tomorrow I’ll start a new book.
My war is with boredom and I’m thankful for that. I’m just not sure who is winning.